Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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