Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
