im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
