Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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