we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
