did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
