I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
