apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
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After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
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Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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