I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
