do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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