Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
