I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
