I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
