I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
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