So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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