Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Dignity is for republicans.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
