I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
