i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
