Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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