Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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