I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
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