It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
