And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
