Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
