So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
