You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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