and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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