i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Randomize
