If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
