I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
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His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize