I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
