No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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