Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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