Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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