Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
