I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
