Where did you get a picture of my penis
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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