i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
