I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
