Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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