end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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