he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
