my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
