I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..