Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!