i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
