someone threw a dead crab at me
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
only you would photoshop your dick
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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