Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
