So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
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