Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
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I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
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I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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