I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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