I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
