Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
