Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
