good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
