i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
